It's 4:30 In The Morning. And I'm Thankful.

I was struggling last night with what to write about on my blog today. And then, at 4:30 in the morning, it hit me. Or rather, JV hit me with a very loud request for his “yellow pillow,” which is just his pillow in an oversized , old yellow euro sham.

Last night he had a “special night” and got to sleep in our room on the mini sofa. And at 4:30 AM, he was awake. Very awake. And I was not. Because it was 4:30 in the morning. Or as JV kept telling me, “it’s morning time.”

There’s always room to complain, as a parent. There’s whining, there’s snot, there’s those little idiosyncrasies that demand your attention. But I am thankful that I get to experience them, even if it is at 4:30 in the morning.

For a while I didn’t think that we could have children. And I blamed myself a lot. It was my health, my poor choices, my desire to get an education, then get more education, and delay being a mother. It was me. Somehow I was defective in the very thing that made me a woman. I laid all that blame on myself. And I was so jealous of other women to which motherhood came so effortlessly.

I was in pain, very much so. And when the miscarriage happened I felt despair in a way that I have never felt before. I was defective, it was me. This confirmed it. And even though I knew those thoughts were nonsense, it didn’t stop them from coming every day.

In retrospect, I should have taken the time to see a mental health specialist for the intrusive thoughts and feelings of depression.

So when we found out I was pregnant again, I did this thing where I tried not to get attached because it would just end up like the miscarriage. I was so afraid, and so wanting to protect myself from that despair. But as the weeks progressed, I grew more and more confident. I started to think of holding him, and I absolutely couldn’t wait for that first moment when I would get to hold him.

And now we’re here, three years later at 4:30 in the morning. Being a parent is challenging. Being present at 4:30 in the morning is challenging. But these are challenges I am happy to have in my life, because it means that John Vincent is here too.

Note: these pictures were not taken at 4:30 in the morning, but they are some of my very favorites.

Note II: these were taken on the first backdrop that I hand painted.